Endless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Three Read online

  A strangled sob escapes her. A single word; a plea. “Logan…”

  As I close the door behind me, the darkness descends and a coldness spreads, enveloping me as I mourn the loss of her. Tonight was the most alive and exhilarated I have ever felt. Watching her come apart beneath me will always be my greatest pleasure, and my biggest regret, because I know, in my very core, that I will never be able to fill the void that she has created in me. Nothing and no one will ever compare to the exquisite beauty of Vittoria de Rossi, lost in the moment of sexual ecstasy. She has left an imprint on my soul, and that is a heavy burden to bear; a permanent scar that will stay with me until I take my last breath.

  I thought it was hard to leave Vittoria whenever I spent the holidays at her parents’ house; giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek and saying goodbye. The softness of her skin against my lips, the delicate scent of her intoxicating me as I lingered for a moment longer than I should have. The look in her eyes as I pulled away; bereft and wanting. That agony was a drop in the ocean compared to the way I felt when I left her in Italy. Ever since I got back from Verona; ever since I walked out of that room in L’Arena; ever since I walked away from her… life has seemed so bland and colorless and one dimensional.

  For eight years, it has been there, simmering in the background, tainting whatever small connections I have made with the subs I’ve trained. But now that I’ve tasted her; felt her writhing beneath me; seen her laid bare for me, vulnerable and desperate for my touch – she’s all I can think about. I’ve tried to suppress it with work, but everything just feels empty and lackluster.

  It’s been two weeks since I got back, but it feels like forever. Carter and Addi stayed behind for a few weeks, Xander and Lily are off on their honeymoon, and I’m right back where I started, except now, I know what I’m missing out on. It’s a brutal form of torture, but I derive a twisted pleasure from it. At least now when I lie awake at night tormenting myself with visions of Vittoria, they are memories rather than fantasies. It’s a small consolation, but I need to cling to something. My world feels like it’s out of sync, and for a man like me, it’s so far out of my comfort zone. I detest not being in control of every aspect of my life.

  I’m just about to head out to Andromeda for the first time since I got back, when my phone beeps. It’s a message from Vittoria. I know I should ignore it and continue with my plans for the evening, but even as I think it, I’m opening her message.

  Vittoria: We need to talk.

  Me: There’s nothing to say.

  Vittoria: Bullshit, and you know it.

  Me: Why now?

  Vittoria: Because I haven’t been able to think about anything else for two weeks. If not for you, then for me. Please. I need to get this off my chest.

  There’s something so wrong with me. Just the mention of her chest has me sporting a semi.

  Me: Give me five mins. I’ll call you.

  I put in a quick call to the club to cancel the demonstration I had planned for this evening – flogging for pleasure over pain. I was looking forward to working off some of this frustration, but I can’t ignore her need to move on. If talking about it is the only way, then I guess I need to suck it up and tell her once and for all that it was a mistake, no matter how good it felt.

  I hear the foreign dial tone, and a part of me is upset, knowing that she is so far away from where I am. When she answers, the sound of her sweet, sultry voice causes a physical pain inside of me.

  “Hi, Logan. Thanks for calling.”

  “What is it that you feel needs to be said?”

  “I… I’m angry with you for what you did in Verona.”

  I take a deep breath, my heart heavy from her revelation. “You have every right to be. I’m sorry. It was a mistake, I should never have taken advantage of you like that. It was wrong of me.”

  “I’m not angry because of what we did. That was amazing. It was everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m angry because you left without asking me how I felt about it. You made the decision, disregarding anything I might have to say on the matter.”

  “Vittoria…”

  “No. You didn’t want to talk. I do. So, you get to listen.” She fucking slays me from half the world away.

  “Okay. I apologize. By all means, continue.”

  I can hear her breathing, slightly labored, with a small waver of nerves.

  “You didn’t take advantage of me that night. I’m not a child. I knew what I wanted, and I pursued you. You may have initiated that first kiss, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t want it. I came after you; I’m the one that stripped; I’m the one that offered myself to you willingly and without expectation. You threw that back in my face.” There’s a pause, but I know that I need to let her finish. “You… hurt me, Logan. You made me question myself, and why you don’t want me; you confirmed what I already knew – that I’m not good enough for you.”

  “Stop right there. That never has, and never will be true. I’m the one that’s not good enough.”

  She swears under her breath before continuing. “Shouldn’t that be my decision to make? Why do you get to take that choice away from me? What gives you the right?”

  “I only want what’s best for you.”

  “So why did you kiss me then? Why did you touch me, caress me, and push me over the edge into the most amazing orgasm of my life? Why did you thrust your dick into my mouth and fuck it hard?”

  “Stop talking. I can’t take it anymore. You want to know the truth?”

  “YES!”

  “Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never wanted a woman so badly in all my life. You were everything I ever fantasized and so much more. It took all of my strength not to make love to you.”

  “But I never asked you to stop. I wanted you to do it. I still do.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t.”

  “I know exactly what I’m saying. I’m fully aware of who and what you are. I want you, every part of you.”

  “We’re just going to go around in circles. We can’t be together for a lot of reasons, one of which is your brother. He would never understand. You’re his sister - his little sister. He knows me better than you do, and he knows that I’m not boyfriend material. I’m not the guy a woman takes home to meet the family. I love your parents like they were my own, and I would hate to see the disappointment on their faces if we got together. They love me as their son’s best friend, not as a potential partner for their daughter.”

  “Fuck what any of them think. This is my life! This has nothing to do with any of them. This is about what we want.”

  “And I’ve already told you. This can’t happen. I don’t want this.”

  “Oh… well… you’re right then. There’s nothing left to say. I have my answer. You really don’t want me. Goodbye, Logan.” I can hear the unshed tears, thick in her voice.

  “Vittoria, wait. That’s not what I…”

  The line goes dead.

  I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m an educated man, but when I’m around her, or talking to her, I become an imbecile. I can’t string a coherent thought together without making things worse.

  FUCK!

  I’m left with no resolution to this situation. I can’t go to the club now, I’m too amped up to exercise control, and I can’t stomach the idea of touching another woman when I am consumed with thoughts of Vittoria.

  I don’t know how, but I need to fix this.

  I’ve picked up the phone so many times over the past month, I’ve almost hit the call button, I’ve typed out messages and emails and talked myself out of pressing send, more times than I can count. I can never find the right words to explain. I’m not great with vocalizing how I feel. I’m great at demanding and commanding a woman to do what I want, but when it comes to me… I’m all about keeping it inside.

  Vittoria has an effect on me, something I can’t explain or rationalize.

  I know that this is for the best.<
br />
  Right after my conversation with her last month, Addi broke up with Carter, and left New York without so much as a word to anyone. He’s been a complete mess ever since. I’ve tried to be there for him when I can. Mostly, he just wanted a wingman to party harder, drink more, and forget about her. None of that has worked, but I’ve done anything he asked of me, supporting him until he’s ready to face the reality of what’s going on. Truth be told, it’s been good to have him around. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s helped me forget for a few hours here and there. Focusing on him lets me stop focusing on myself, and my problems.

  Xander called me today and told me that he knows where Addison is, and that he thinks it’s time to tell Carter before he’s too far gone. He said something about having to bail him out of jail, and I’m sure he mentioned the office at Cube being trashed, but it all became insignificant the moment he told me that Vittoria is in town and is planning to be there when Carter finds out about Addi. He asked me to be there too, but I didn’t think it would be helpful to have an atmosphere between her and I, when the focus should be on Carter. I told him I had a meeting I couldn’t reschedule and that I would check in with them all tomorrow and do anything I can to help. I feel like a dick after everything he’s done for me, but I just couldn’t sit in a room with her right now without acting on it.

  I try to distract myself the best way I know how, and decide that a trip to Andromeda is in order, but she invades my thoughts the entire day.

  By the time I reach the door of the club, she is all I can think about. I walk through the bar, across the dance floor and upstairs to my room. Nothing piques my interest – nothing and no one. I could have my choice of women in here, ready and willing to submit, but it holds no appeal to me right now. Not when I know she’s in the city; when she’s within my reach.

  I’m out the door and back into a cab before I’ve even formulated a plan.

  “Where to?” The taxi driver turns and stares at me.

  “Good question.” I give him Xander’s address and decide that no matter what, I’m going to be there for my friend, but as I pull up in front his building, I see Vittoria in the lobby.

  She looks breathtaking.

  I throw money at the driver and quickly make my way to the entrance to open the door for her. She’s looking down at her phone, so it’s not until she can physically feel me just inches from her that I hear her sharp intake of breath, and watch as her eyes slowly lift to meet mine.

  “Hello, Vittoria.”

  “Fuck!” Her cheeks immediately flush with embarrassment, and it’s so fucking cute.

  “Please, don’t swear at me. Your lips are far too beautiful for profanity.”

  “Don’t say things like that to me, Logan. It’s not fair. You don’t get to say nice things to me.” She moves to walk past me, but I block the door. “You came to see Carter, so go and see him. I need to go.”

  “I came for selfish reasons. I wanted to see you. I needed to see you.”

  The look of defeat in her eyes tells me that she’ll hear me out… reluctantly. “You made your feelings quite clear the last time we spoke.”

  “No, I didn’t. As usual, when I’m talking to you, I made a complete mess of what I was trying to say.”

  She places her hand on my cheek, caressing the scruff on my jaw with her thumb. “Then tell me now.”

  Her proximity clouds my judgement; I hate it and love it in equal measure. I’m drawn to her by an invisible force, pulling me into her orbit, and holding me captive.

  Words escape me. I’m mesmerized by her lips, her smile, and the intensity of her gaze. I lean in, silently asking her permission before my mouth comes crashing down on hers. It’s the only way I can convey how much she means to me without screwing it up.

  She tastes amazingly sweet, and so much better than my memories. Her hands fist in my hair, tugging me closer as she gives me everything she has. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her through the door and out onto the street, never letting her lips break contact with my own. I push her up against the wall of the building, without a care for who’s watching. I lose all sense of right and wrong around her. All I feel is desire, want, and above all else, need.

  Her hands travel up and down my back, clawing at me, and it drives me wild. I grind against her, my tongue tangling with hers in a frenzy, and I’m lost in the moment until I hear a familiar voice.

  “What the fuck?!”

  I pull away; the loss of her taste, her smell and her body tight against mine, making me ache. I stand in front of her in a defensive stance, my instinct, to shield her from the abuse I’m about to hear.

  “It’s not what it looks like.”

  “The fuck it isn’t. It looks like you’re groping your best friend’s little sister against a wall. Am I wrong?”

  “Xander…” I hate the way he describes us, like it’s something dirty. “You’re so fucking wrong I don’t know where to start.”

  “How about starting at the beginning? How about telling me what the fuck is going on in your head? You know Carter, you know he’s having a really hard time right now, and if he finds out about this, all that rage he’s feeling, will be getting channeled into beating you to death. You know that, right?”

  I turn to Vittoria. Her head is lowered to the ground in shame. I close the gap between us and lift her chin to look at me before I whisper in her ear. “I’ll deal with this. Go home and I’ll call you later.”

  She throws her arms around me. “I don’t want you getting into trouble for me. I’m not worth it.”

  I cup her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me and hear every word I say. “You are worth it. Don’t ever think otherwise.” I give her one last kiss before hailing her a cab and watching her get further and further away from me… again.

  Xander is still standing on the sidewalk with a look of disgust on his face. “What the fuck are you doing, man?”

  The tone in his voice really pisses me off. I know they all think I’m some kinky sex pervert that can’t commit, but they don’t really know anything about me. “It’s none of your business, Xander. She’s not your sister.”

  I’m caught off guard when he grabs my shirt and slams me back against the wall. “I’ve known her my whole fucking life. She’s as much a sister to me as she is to Carter, so don’t fuck with me. She’s been through… more than you could ever comprehend, and she doesn’t need a guy like you to fuck with her head. She’s not the type you have a one-night stand with, or a few weeks of fun. She’s the forever girl, Logan.”

  I push him off of me. “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT??? I’ve known it since the moment I met her. Why do you think I’ve never settled down with anyone?” Understanding dawns on him, his face softening as he realizes what I’ve been carrying around all these years. “I love her, Xander. I’ve always loved her. She’s… everything.”

  “Holy Fuck!” He rubs his hands over his face. “How long has this been going on?”

  “I kissed her at your wedding. I thought I could handle letting myself have one kiss, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t anticipate that she would feel something for me in return. She wanted more, but I walked away, and it just about killed me. We’ve spoken since, but that ended in disaster, and tonight is the first I’ve seen her. I didn’t mean to maul her in the middle of the street, but I seem to lose all control around her.”

  “Well, shit. Who knew that Logan Fitzgerald could fall in love? You poor bastard. Carter’s going to kill you.”

  “I know. That’s why I walked away in Verona, but I can’t ignore it anymore. This could be my one chance to be happy, to have what you have with Lily. I owe it to myself to at least try.”

  “I understand. I became a demanding dick when I met Lily, but she got past that and saw the real me. I want to punch you in the face right now because Tori is family to me, but I can’t fault you for wanting what I have. Lily is my world. She’s everything I didn’t know I needed. If you truly believe that Vittoria coul
d be that for you, then you have to go for it. But, you need to be absolutely certain. If you’re not, then walk away. You could lose Carter’s friendship over this, and you need to know that it’s worth it.”

  “She’s worth it. She’s so fucking worth it. I can’t even look at another woman now.”

  “Then you need to tell Carter.”

  “I will. I don’t even know if she still wants to try. I caught her off guard tonight. She’s angry with me for walking out. She’s out of the country most of the time, and I travel a lot, so before I tell him, I need to know that she feels the same way. I need to know that I can make this work. She deserves so much better than me, and if I was less selfish, I would let her go and find someone else.”

  “You’re a good guy, Logan. I always thought you just couldn’t commit to one woman. Now that I know how you’ve felt about Vittoria all this time, it makes sense to me. You were trying to be the good guy and sacrifice your own happiness. You coped the best you could. You deserve her, man. She’d be a lucky girl to have you, and I don’t say that lightly. I love her.”

  “Thank you.”

  “But know this. If you ever hurt her, you won’t just have Carter to deal with, I’ll be right there with him, ready to dig your shallow grave. Got it?”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

  “Go and talk to her. I told Carter and Lily I would be back in ten minutes with Chinese food. They’ve probably starved to death by now.” He gives me a slap on the back and a smile. “I won’t say anything to anyone. It’s yours to share, when you’re ready.”