Flawless - Manhattan Knights Series Book One Page 7

  Me: Me.

  My phone starts ringing; he’s calling, but I let it go to voicemail. I know it’s a cowardly thing to do but I can’t hear his voice right now, it would lower my resolve for self-preservation. It rings another four times before my phone beeps.

  Mr. P: Why aren’t you answering your phone? What did you mean by ‘safer?’

  I put my phone in the kitchen drawer and will myself not to answer him, because I know he would persuade me to change my mind. I hear it beep a few more times and then it stops. I’m relieved and a little sad at the same time. I sit staring at the Monet, contemplating what lies beneath. Xander might like what’s on the surface, but if he finds out that I was responsible for killing the only man I ever loved, he’ll walk away, and I’ll be crushed… again.

  I don’t know how long I sit lost in the memories that plague me, grief and guilt strangling me as if it all happened yesterday. I’m startled by banging on the door. As I stand to answer it, his voice comes booming through to me.

  “Open the door, Lily.” He pounds the door with his fists.

  “Go away, Xander.” I choke out.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you explain to me what the fuck is going on. Unless you want everyone on this floor to witness me kicking your door down, I would suggest you fucking open it… Now.” Shit.

  I unlock the door and before I can open it fully, he bursts in, slamming the door behind him, his eyes wild and dark. He grabs me by the arms, spins me round and forces me up against the door. His breath is erratic; his face so close to mine I’m assaulted by the scent of him. It’s so intoxicating, cologne, clean laundry and him.

  His hard, lean body presses up against me, covered in a black tailored three-piece suit that makes him even more appealing. His eyes are full of emotion, searching mine for answers I don't want to give.

  He pins me against the door for what seems like hours, when in reality it could only be seconds, his mouth so close to mine I’m struggling to control the need to feel his lips.

  He’s on me, claiming me, his lips bruising mine with the intensity of his kiss. He curses under his breath. “Fucking hell.” I try to stop him but he’s having none of it. “Let me in, Lily… let me in.”

  He’s kissing me with everything he has and I can’t fight it any longer. Parting my lips ever so slightly, his tongue ravaging me.

  “You’re mine. I want you so bad it hurts. You. Are. Mine. I know you feel it, too. Say it… fucking say it.” He kisses me as he speaks.

  “Xander. I can’t.” Tears fall from my cheeks.

  He cups my face in his hands, his touch gentle as he kisses my tears away.

  “Talk to me, please. I don’t understand. I told you I wouldn’t be able to walk away and you let me taste you anyway. You have to tell me what’s going on. I know I fucked up, but if you’re staying away for my ‘safety,’ then stop.” I crumple to the ground sobbing. He carefully scoops me into his arms.

  “Where’s your bedroom?”

  I can’t speak - I just point down the hallway and let him stride toward my room. I give in to the comfort of being in his arms and rest my head on his chest, letting the tears flow. He lays me down on the bed before removing his shoes, jacket, waistcoat and tie, and climbs onto the bed beside me. He pulls me into his chest and strokes my hair as I cry, not saying a word, just letting me get it all out. Once I manage to compose myself, he speaks in a soft soothing voice.

  “Please, talk to me, sweets. I want to help. I want YOU. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain last week. I was being an asshole. I’m so sorry.” I know I have to tell him the truth, and I know he’ll leave when I do, so I take a moment to hold him - memorizing his scent before I lose him for good.

  “We can’t be together. I don’t want you to get hurt. That’s what will happen if you get too close to me. I’ve already hurt you.”

  “That was my fault. I was scared.”

  “Let me get this out… while I have the courage to do it. I told you my dad died when I was fifteen, but what I left out... is that I killed him.” His face freezes in shock, his body tense beneath me. I continue before I lose my nerve.

  “It was Friday night and my parents wanted to have a family game night with me and my sisters. I was fifteen. I thought it was lame and I wanted to go to the cinema with my friends. My dad and I were really close, so I knew he’d let me go if I asked him with the puppy-dog eyes. He said it was fine as long as I called him to come get me, so we arranged for him to pick me up outside the theater in town at 10:30 p.m. I was the last one waiting outside at around 10:20 p.m.”

  I close my eyes – the memories flooding my mind.

  “There was a guy standing across the street in the bus shelter, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I started texting one of my friends and didn’t realize when he wasn’t there anymore. Before I knew what was happening, he was grabbing me, forcing me down into the alley. I punched and kicked as hard as I could, but he was too strong. He shoved me to the ground and I hit my head. I remember the smell from the trashcans was foul; I still smell them in my nightmares. My head was swimming as I tried to struggle against him, but it wasn’t doing any good; he was just getting angrier.”

  My voice begins to shake - my eyes misting with tears.

  “He started hitting me, and grabbing at my clothes. I remember thinking that he was going to ruin my favorite shirt. How dumb is that? He had this disgusting look on his face; I could tell he was enjoying it. I tried to memorize his features in case I made it out alive so I could identify him. He had this nasty scar running from his eyebrow down to his chin on the left side. It was really jagged and red. He had tattoos all over his arms and neck, and I noticed one in particular, an animal skull with a dagger through it. He ripped my shirt off to get to my bra; then he was trying to get my jeans off. That’s when I heard my dad shouting behind him.”

  I take a moment - the memory of my dad’s voice booming in my ears.

  “He grabbed the guy off me, throwing him into the trashcans, the noise deafening as they started fighting. He was shouting at me to get to the car and call for help. I scrambled to my feet and ran as fast as I could. I put in the call to 911, but I could barely choke out our location, and as I disconnected the call I heard the most terrifying noise rip from my dad’s throat. I will never forget that sound. It haunts me. I ran back toward him and the guy ran off shouting and swearing; calling me a dirty whore. When I reached my dad, I realized what had happened; that animal had stabbed him in the stomach. I tried to stop the bleeding until the police arrived. They called for an ambulance as I sat with him cradled in my arms, trying to stem the flow of blood. My dad was asking if I was okay. Even then... as he lay dying in the street, he was thinking of me.”

  I wipe the tears from my eyes.

  “The ambulance arrived and three EMTs tried frantically to save him. They were shouting things I didn’t understand and grabbing stuff from their bags; I moved round to let him rest his head on my legs so he wasn’t on the cold, dirty ground. I looked in his eyes as he took his last breath. It was the worst moment of my life. They caught the guy that did it and I was able to identify him; he was sent to prison for assault, attempted rape, and the murder of my father.”

  I stand, pacing the floor, letting Xander process everything I’ve just told him.

  “It was my fault. I played on the fact that my dad and I were close so that he would let me get my way. We never should have been there that night, and if I had stayed in, my dad would still be here. He was my… everything. I loved him more than anything in the world.”

  Tears stream down my cheeks.

  “I’ve had nightmares ever since. After spending the night with you, and knowing I hurt you - I had the same dream, except this time, it wasn’t my dad lying in my arms dying… it was you. Don’t you see? I vowed I would never let anyone in like that again. I don’t want to love someone so much that I live in fear of losing them. I would never forgive myself if someth
ing happened to you because of me. That's why it’s best that you walk away now.”

  He moves toward me tentatively, reaching out to envelop me in his arms. I’m so drained that I can’t fight him; I don't want to fight him. He kisses my hair.

  “I’m so sorry you had to live through that. I’m sorry you lost the most important man in your life. No one should have to deal with that, especially not at that age, but you need to listen to me right now. You. Are. Not. To. Blame. It wasn’t your fault. It was the scumbag that attacked you, it was his fault that your dad had to protect you; it was his fault that he stabbed your dad. Lily, look at me.” I gaze into his eyes, full of tenderness; glassy with unshed tears.

  “Your dad loved you, and he would have done anything to keep you safe. Dying to save your daughter from a monster is something every good father would do. You have to forgive yourself. You deserve to be loved, and you can’t live in fear that it will be taken away from you. No one knows how long we have in life, but you have to make the most of it. You lived that night, Lily. Now you have to live your life. It’s what your dad would want.”

  I can hear wailing, but it takes me a minute to realize that it’s coming from my chest.

  “Shhh. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you realize that from the moment I met you, I didn’t have a choice anymore? You’re mine, baby. Mine to cherish, mine to protect. I can’t walk away because I’m already in too deep. That’s what I wanted to tell you today. Let me cherish you.”

  We stay wrapped in each other’s arms for hours, and when I’ve cried so many tears that my eyes hurt, I drift into an exhausted sleep.

  ****

  When I wake up, Xander’s gone. I’m beginning to panic - when I hear voices in the lounge. He’s talking to Addi. He’s still here, he didn’t leave. I open the door to my room as quietly as possible, hoping they won’t hear me. I know it’s bad to eavesdrop, especially when he’s been so understanding of everything I told him, but I need to hear what they’re saying.

  “I can’t believe she’s been carrying this around all this time, blaming herself.”

  “I can’t believe she told you. She’s never opened up to someone like that. Her family and me - we're the only people that knew what happened, until now. It was a massive deal for her to confide in you, so you better treat her right or I will hunt you down and castrate you. Got it?”

  “You have nothing to worry about - I’m crazy about her. I stayed away because I was scared she didn’t feel the same way. I would never intentionally hurt her, and I’ll be around for as long as she’ll have me. I just wish I could take all the bad stuff away for her. It kills me to see her like this.”

  He’s crazy about me? For as long as I’ll have him? How about forever? That would work for me.

  I find myself welling up listening to him, and I can’t stay away any longer. I make sure they hear me as I walk down the hallway, both of them turning to greet me.

  “Hey, sleepy girl. How are you feeling?” He pulls me down into his lap, wrapping his arms around me.

  “I feel a lot better. I’m sorry about earlier, I was a complete mess. I didn’t mean to sleep so long either.”

  “Don’t apologize, sweets. I’m glad you told me, and I’m happy to be here with you.” He strokes my hair as his voice washes over me; warm and peaceful. “I was thinking… maybe I could stay here with you tonight… if you want?” There’s an endearing vulnerability in his tone.

  “I would really like that, thank you, but, what about fresh clothes and work tomorrow?”

  “I’ll get David to drop by some of my things, and don’t worry about work. That’s the beauty of being the boss.” A sly grin spreads across his face.

  “Okay. Thank you. Do you want some dinner? I can rustle something up.”

  “How about I get David to drop in some Thai food for the three of us?”

  Addi pipes in. “Sounds like a plan, Billionaire Boy. You paying?”

  There’s a look of amusement on Xander’s face, as he takes her teasing in his stride. “Of course.”

  David arrives thirty minutes later with an overnight bag and our dinner. It’s really nice hanging out with Addi and Xander; chatting and laughing together – Addi telling stories about when we were younger. It’s relaxed and comforting after an exhausting day. It’s as if the past week never happened – Xander and I falling into a comfortable rhythm.

  By ten o’clock, I can barely keep my eyes open. Xander offers to sleep on the couch, but I shoot that idea down in two seconds flat. I’m going to savor every minute of him in my apartment and in my bed. I hold out my hand, which he eagerly grasps, and I lead him down the hall to my room in silence.

  Just holding his hand sparks electricity between us, a palpable energy in the room that consumes me. I’m oblivious to anything except him.

  I'm rudely snapped from my daze by Addi yelling down the hall. “What am I, chopped liver? Don’t I get a goodnight?” She’s so funny.

  “Goodnight, Addi. Love you.”

  As she walks down the hall, she peeks her head around the door.

  “Love you, too, Lilliput.” She thinks she’s hilarious, and I can hear Xander chuckling in the bathroom. He better not start calling me that.

  My breath catches in my throat when he emerges from the bathroom in only his Calvin Klein boxer shorts. I will never get used to the sight of his chiseled body. I swear I could stare at his chest and happy trail for days and not get bored.

  “See something you like, sweets?” He says teasingly.

  I know I’m blushing, so I quickly grab my PJs and slink into the bathroom. When I emerge in plaid sleep shorts and a red T-shirt I’m met with the sight of Xander tucked up in my bed, having turned down my side to welcome me in. I scurry over and climb in. He pulls me close, nestling me into his chest; we fit together perfectly, like we were made for each other. I know that’s really corny, but what can I say? I’m a lost cause. He strokes my hair, kissing the top of my head as we lie here, content to just... be.

  “Get some sleep. I’ll take advantage of you in those cute shorts in the morning when I peel them off you in the shower.” With that delectable promise hanging in the air between us, I drift into a wonderful dreamless sleep, peaceful in the cocoon of his arms.

  Xander makes good on his promise the next morning, and it’s eleven o’clock by the time we shower and sit down to breakfast. We must have taken almost an hour and a half to get washed and dressed with his roaming hands and my unquenchable thirst for him.

  I’m in no rush to get on with my day because I know I won’t see Xander until after finals on Friday night. He isn’t too happy about that, but he knows how important it is for me to do well, and acquiesces to my half-hearted demands. We agree to keep in touch throughout the week, no more crazy avoidance on my part, or his.

  I’ve organized to go out on Friday night with friends to celebrate the end of exams and I convince Xander to meet us after work for drinks which he agrees to - on the condition that he can organize a private celebration for me at the weekend. I’m not going to say no to seeing him on Friday night, and at the weekend! I’m excited and it’s great to have something to look forward to, but we still need to talk about what happened when we left the Hamptons.

  Xander leaves for work at around one o’clock, giving me a heart-stopping, ruin me for anyone else kiss, to get me through until Friday night. When I close the door, my apartment feels empty without him. Later in the day, I receive a gorgeous bouquet of pink roses with a card attached.

  I’m in a good mood, and I get so much studying done before going to bed, snuggling into the pillow that still smells of Xander. He calls me just before I fall asleep; it’s a great way to end the day – listening to his smooth, enticing voice. He could say anything and it would sound amazing coming from his lips.

  Every morning I wake to a text telling me how much he missed the feel of me lying in his arms the night before. And every day I receive a different color of roses with a car
d attached. Wednesday’s card reads:

  We text throughout the day and speak before going to sleep. I don’t like admitting it, but I'm really missing him.

  Thursday is the beginning of finals and at 8 a.m. the buzzer goes off - There is a package. I thought it would be flowers but it's a box, with a card inside.

  Inside is a bouquet of HB pencils – They are too cute for words. There are all kinds of stationery in a box marked Exam Survival Kit, and at the bottom of the box is a small box marked ‘Good Luck Charm.’ I open it to find a Tiffany & Co pouch.

  My hands shake as I untie the ribbon. Nestled inside is a stunning silver charm bracelet with a single charm attached – a four leaf clover. I must have the most ridiculous smile on my face as I clip it around my wrist. A reminder of Xander wherever I go. I text him immediately to say thank you.

  Me: Your package was so thoughtful, I love everything. Thank you so much. I will be taking my survival kit today and I’m already wearing the bracelet. It’s beautiful. You really shouldn’t have.

  Mr. P: You’re more than welcome, sweets. You won’t need luck today but I like the idea of you wearing something from me while you ace your finals. Call me when you’re finished. Xander x

  Before I leave for campus, my daily bouquet of roses arrives – yellow. Thursday’s card reads:

  Could he be any sweeter?

  After I finish for the day, I grab some dinner with Addi and head back to the apartment. I call Xander, and talk for hours - he listens patiently as I drone on about my exam. He just laughs when I go on and on about how much I love the bracelet and my exam kit. I put the bouquet of pencils on my desk because I don’t want to use them. This gets me no end of teasing. We say goodnight and I prepare for my last exam on Friday.

  ****

  Friday morning is finally here. Today is the day I finish four years of hard work at Columbia, but I have to be honest, my excitement this morning is definitely more to do with the fact that I’ll be seeing Xander tonight. The butterflies have taken flight in the pit of my stomach once again - I’ll be counting down the hours today.